'Blockers' is crude and rude

Marilyn Robitaille
Marilyn Robitaille

Have you ever been in a situation where you just knew instinctively that you’ve made the wrong decision? Fifteen minutes into watching the film “Blockers,” I knew I should’ve picked a different movie to see. Granted, this silly film does have a few funny moments, but you’ll have a better time watching cat videos on YouTube. Really.

Essentially, the plot relies on a motif common in most anything marketed to an adolescent audience: smart teenagers/very stupid parents. In this case, three young women have known each other since childhood. Now they’re seniors in high school with graduation fast approaching. As part of their passage to independence and adulthood, they make a pact to lose their virginity on what one of the parents describes as the “most important night of their lives.” No, not graduation night, prom night. To succeed, lots of advance planning must occur.

For one of the young women, the idea proves less problematic. Julie (Kathryn Newton) has Austin (Graham Phillips) a devoted, trusted boyfriend. He’s been ready and willing for a long time.

Although Kayla (Geraldine Viswanathan) has a can-do attitude, this will be her first date with Connor (Miles Robbins). He appears more interested in selling drugs than having first date sex, but he might overcome that situation, especially since Kayla openly shares his drug-love.

Sam (Gideon Adlon), the third member of the party, has real issues with her sexual identity, having just discovered that she’s a Lesbian. Her prom date Chad (Jimmy Bellinger) may be willing, but her heart’s not in it.

The inherent conflicts set in motion by all that drama pale in comparison to the drama that surrounds the antics of the parents. When Julie inadvertently leaves her computer open, her mother Lisa (Leslie Mann) sees the series of texts that lays out their plan. She quickly enlists the help of the other two girls’ fathers Mitchell (John Cena) and Hunter (Ike Barinholtz). The three parents determine to do whatever it takes to stop them.

The escapades that follow prove to be the stuff of junior-high humor and slapstick. Think beer bongs with tubes attached to unspeakable orifices, kinky sexual escapades, and one particularly disturbing scene with Lisa hiding under the bed while her daughter and boyfriend have sex.

What’s left after all this doesn’t offer enough substance to distract you from your popcorn. Stick with the cats.

Rated R for crude and sexual content, and language throughout, drug content, teen partying, and some graphic nudity.

Marilyn Robitaille writes film reviews for the Stephenville Empire-Tribune and the Glen Rose Reporter.