OPINION

Green: The great turkey challenge

RENAE GREEN

A few years ago, a week before Thanksgiving, I received the following text from my 21-year-old daughter:

HOW LONG SHOULD I MICROWAVE A 25-POUND TURKEY?”

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Seriously. This girl attended a respected university on an academic scholarship. She made the dean’s list almost every semester, and turned down multiple impressive job offers. She is one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever met, and yet the question was so typically her, I didn’t doubt its legitimacy for even a moment. And I didn’t want to insult her with any of the dozen retorts that coasted through my noggin.

My response?

UHHHH . . .

So then I asked, WILL IT EVEN FIT IN THE MICROWAVE?

Her: YES. IS TWO HOURS ENOUGH?

Me: I THINK YOU HAVE TO BAKE IT IN THE OVEN.

Her: I NEED IT TONIGHT.

It was 4 p.m., y’all.  Visions of salmonella victims fighting their way to the front of ER lines filled my head.

Me: IS IT THAWED?

Her: YES.

Me: OKAY. SLICE IT UP AND BAKE THE SMALLER PIECES IN THE OVEN.

Her: I NEED TO MICROWAVE IT.

She inherited her stubbornness from her father’s side of the family. When she gets this way, there’s no reasoning with her.

Me: I HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG YOU SHOULD MICROWAVE IT. GOOGLE THE POUNDS PER MINUTE.

Her: OKAY.

Ten minutes and one prayer marathon later, she texted me again: MOM, I’M KIDDING. I WANTED TO SEE WHAT YOU’D SAY.

Apparently, it was some sick viral social media challenge to text that question to your mother. That was my initiation into the Thanksgiving season. So here, straight from the home office (and in no particular order), is my top ten list of things I’m thankful for this season:

1.      A job teaching writing to university students. They pretend to think I’m cool so I’ll give them a better grade. It does great things for my ego.

2.      Organic coffee beans.

3.      The Travelers Collection from Chicos. These clothes look professional and feel like pajamas.

4.      Bacon.

5.      Dollar Tree.

6.      Selfie filters that put on your makeup, fix your hair, and make you look ten (okay twenty) pounds lighter. 

7.      Barbecue stuffed baked potatoes.

8.      Donny and Marie Osmond. Those people never age. They just get more teeth.

9.      Cheap four-packs of reading glasses, so I can grab a new pair when I forget the previous pair is perched on top of my head.

10.   Mismatched socks. Seriously, it’s a thing, and it saves SO much time folding laundry.

I’m also thankful for the gift of laughter, and for family and friends who don’t take life too seriously. I’m thankful that this Thanksgiving, I’ll wear my elastic-waist pants with people I love, and we’ll reminisce about happy times and add new chapters to our leather-bound book of memories. Mostly, I’m thankful that God loves me so much and has blessed me far more abundantly than I deserve.

How abundant are the good things  that you have stored up for those who fear you, that you bestow in the sight of all, on those who take refuge in you,” Psalm 31:19.

Renae Brumbaugh Green is a bestselling author and award-winning humor columnist. She lives in Stephenville with her handsome, country-boy husband, nearly perfect children, and far-too-many animals. Connect with Renae at www.RenaeBrumbaugh.com