Rivenbark: The Rock for president? Keep your day job
When I read last week, Matthew McConaughey is considering running for governor in his home state of Texas, I thought he’s going to be late for meetings because he makes such a production of getting in his Lincoln and driving anywhere. Think of all the mumbled poetry and cufflinks-adjusting before he even gets a half-mile down the road.
One imagines wife Camila never asks Matty to fetch milk for the kids’ cereal because, as we know, if he encounters a 1,800-pound bull in the road, he will ease the Lincoln into “park” and pause to salute the bull’s size and stamina before announcing softly: “Yes. I will take the long way around.”
Meanwhile, the AlphaBits remain dust dry.
I hear you: That’s just a role he plays; he’s not like that in real life. But what if he is? I’ve seen Matthew McConaughey interviewed many times and he’s shockingly similar to the vaguely angsty guy in the Lincoln, pontificating about mundane topics in an oddly captivating manner ...
“How does a bill become a law? How is the Texas sky white some days and blue the next? I don’t know. Maybe you don’t know either. Maybe it’s not for any of us to know ... except the bull.”
OK, I made that up, but you weren’t completely sure at first, were you?
And what of his ramblings about returning to his roots, via Lincoln, of course.
“There are those who say you can’t go back. Yes. You can. You just have to go back to the right place.”
Camila: “Yoo hoo, it’s called the grocery store and it’s where the milk lives. Really not that complicated pretty boy.”
While he’s a fine actor and totally nails the “Is he dumb as a box of hair or was that super deep what he just said?” vibe, I wonder if Gov. McConaughey would be, as the Texas saying goes, “all hat and no cattle”?
Voters don’t seem to think so. A recent poll showed he’s 12 points ahead of current Republican Gov. Greg Abbott who doesn’t even have an Oscar and whose campaign slogan should be “Not much to love here but at least I’m not Ted Cruz.”
No sooner had I learned of McConaughey’s gubernatorial aspirations than Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson confirmed he may run for president in 2024. Naturally, I assumed Johnson meant of the Screen Actors Guild or Beverly Hills Kiwanis, but no. As in, leader of the free world, comes with a drafty house full of portraits of dead white guys and a live band that plays your theme song when you walk into the room ... that presidency. No disrespect but I’m not sure “ability to raise one eyebrow freakishly high while leaving the other as is” is a legit qualification for the job.
The Rock, an affable enough wrestling champion turned action film star, set lofty goals for himself since just a pebble, so maybe we shouldn’t be surprised. He told reporters “I will run for president if the people want it.” No. No, that’s not how it works. The “people” won’t even get vaccinated in sufficient numbers. Don’t listen to THEM. The “people” are wearing mom jeans again because influencer bot Kylie Jenner said we should. Clearly, the “people” cannot be trusted!
Astonishingly, 46% of Americans polled said they would consider voting for Johnson. Longtime frenemy “Stone Cold” Steve Austin was heard to say: “What??” about a billion times.
Interpreter: “I believe, Mr. Putin, the president has invited you to, er, smell what the rock is cooking ... some sort of American idiom, I suppose.”
“Ack. American idiot’s more like it. Also, tell him to put his shirt back on; that’s my thing.”
Movie stars make great ... movie stars. To put it in Lincoln lingo, y’all just need to stay in your lane.
Celia Rivenbark is a NYT bestselling author and humor columnist. Visit http://celiarivenbark.com.