THE JURY POOL, COUNTY COURTHOUSE, USA –
Bailiff: Mr. McConnell, you and Mr. Graham are up next. Please just step through the doors to the courtroom and prepare for your voir dire.
Mr. Graham: Voir who? What kinda commie talk is that? Look, I was raised an American in South by God Carolina. I’m not speaking French or whatever devil language you just said.
Mr. McConnell: Ha! The lil feller is just kidding. He’s an attorney by trade. We are prepared to answer the judge’s questions as to our impartiality.
Bailiff (not amused): Take your seats. The judge will begin with you, Mr. McConnell.
Judge: We’re here to uncover any biases, conflicts or other reasons to dismiss any potential jurors. Does anyone have any questions before I begin?
Mitch McConnell: Just one, Your Honor. I believe I read somewhere that I can be excused from jury duty because it would pose financial hardship...
Judge: That is true. But, in your case, because you have a verifiable net worth of $17 million, I believe the financial hardship excuse would not apply.
McConnell: Hmmm. I see. Well, what about age? I’m too old. Or mental and emotional instability? I read somewhere that’s a sure-fire way to avoid serving on a jury. Anyone who has paid close attention can see that I’m plainly schizophrenic. Like how when Bill Clinton was impeached, I was all “hey, let’s call as many witnesses as it takes” and now, with President Trump being impeached, I’m all “We’re not letting any witnesses testify because that could go really bad for us.” See? I mean that’s crazy, right?
Judge: Yes, your record of hypocrisy is unsurpassed but we are hoping when you swear an oath to be impartial, you will tell the truth.
Graham (snickering): Good one, Your Honor!
McConnell: Look, I just don’t have any respect for the notion of being impartial. Is that the defendant over there? He looks guilty to me. He’s got the cold, dead eyes of a serial killer, pallid skin, weak chin...
Judge: Let the record show, Mr. McConnell is pointing at his own reflection in the courthouse mirror.
McConnell: I can’t serve. I’m a full-time student.
Judge: No, you aren’t.
McConnell: Sole caretaker for my aging parents?
Judge: Please stop embarrassing yourself and making a mockery of the judicial system!
McConnell: But, Your Honor, it’s what I do best! I subvert the Democratic process at every turn. (Preening) Surely, you’ve seen my body of work?
Judge: Bailiff, please dispatch Mr. McConnell to jail to rethink his answers.
McConnell: Don’t make me laugh. Maybe you missed the part where I’m a rich white man? Wait! What are you doing? Are those shackles?! (Distant crying...)
Judge: What about you, Mr. Graham? Can you promise to be an impartial juror?
Graham: Not a chance in H-E- double toothpicks, Your Honor. I have formed my opinion ahead of any evidence. We good?
Judge: No, we are not good. Bailiff!
Graham: Wait! I’m a nursing mother?
Wilmington, North Carolina’s Celia Rivenbark is a NYT-bestselling author and columnist. Visit www.celiarivenbark.com.