Dear Dishonest Roofer,
I spent a good part of my week fielding calls from the sheriff, police department and even a few businesses who wanted to warn the public of roofing scams that were sure to become prevalent across the area in the wake of recent storm damage.
We wrote stories about the issue and even published a column from the sheriff himself hoping to protect people from becoming victims from dishonest roofers like yourself.
So imagine my surprise when I got home after a particularly long day of work to learn that my mom was already in the grip of your razor-sharp claws and was on the fast-track to becoming your latest victim.
After knocking on her door uninvited and unannounced, you determined that her 7-year-old home needed a new roof despite the fact that there are no leaks or any visible signs of damage.
While my mom is a smart, no-nonsense kind of gal, she is also a widow who knows little to nothing about home maintenance - just the kind of person people like you prey upon.
Your attempt to swindle her out of money left her scared and unsure of how to proceed.
It also left me - her only daughter - very, very angry.
You should know that on most days, I'm fairly easy to get along with. I'm not usually cranky unless I am hungry or overly tired or - and read this carefully - someone tries to rip off my mom.
Then I become crazy and wild-eyed; someone who makes Linda Blair look like a schoolmarm and who will enter your life with such force that your nightmares will seem like a sunny day on the beach.
How dare you try to take advantage of my mother. How dare you try to frighten her into giving you money for work she doesn't need. How dare you come into this community and do the same thing, I am sure, to others.
We have already contacted her insurance company and were assured that should a problem with the roof arise, she has two years to file the necessary claim. If that happens, we will call a reputable local company - one that is operated by people I know and trust - and have the repairs made.
Meanwhile, you are strongly advised to stay away from her home and off her roof.
If I catch you up there, I am going to remove the ladder and call the police.
Then I'm going to wait for you while you climb your way down - and I assure you, that's a trip you don't want to make.
One very angry daughter
Sara Vanden Berge is the managing editor of the Empire-Tribune. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow her on Twitter @ETeditor.