Let us stand up, rejoice, and praise the Lord! The majority of America has spoken, but by God, Florida and Ohio have spoken louder! Thank Jesus for that antiquated relic from slave-state days—the Electoral College!
All hail our new unpopularly elected president, Donald Trump! What’s a couple million less votes anyway?
Yes, it was a tough campaign and we couldn’t have done it without our friends in Russia who hacked and released Democrat Party emails which divided their party. And, of course, who can forget our Republican friends in the F.B.I. who broke the law by reopening a closed smear investigation (with irrelevant evidence) of candidate Clinton the week of early voting and right before Election Day? Yep, that’s all it took to sway the outcome.
Well, that and our voter suppression (photo I.D. and Crosscheck etc.) and voter intimidation schemes—there’s more than one way to throw a Democrat’s ballot in the trash! We didn’t even have to abuse the power of the Supreme Court this time around! Democracy is for losers! What matters most is survival of the fittest as determined by who can obtain power by any and all means necessary.
Fascism has come to America draped in the flag and holding a Bible in each hand! This is good! The future of our country is plutocracy, theocracy, and mobocracy, or rule by the rich, religious, and the raunchy.
Let me explain: Capitalism’s natural instinct is the pursuit of wealth where the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. There’s money to be made off of suffering, and there should be no middle class. Trickle-down economics may cause recessions, job loss, ballooning deficits, and national debt, but as long at the upper class profits and gets tax breaks, America is great again! And what better wheeler-dealer puppet of Wall Street than that foulmouthed spoiled-rotten Lord Fauntleroy himself, Donald Trump? Now to satisfy evangelicals, we obstructed Obama’s Supreme Court nominee all year so we may appoint a preacher-judge of their choosing.
Let us supplant the Constitution with our interpretation of the Bible and let God’s will be done! Mobocracy is merely an appeal to the good working class Americans—an appeal to fear, ignorance, and hate.
Republicans, it’s time to round up Mexicans, Moderates and Muslims, let’s go!