I love a good freak show, don't you?
And no show is freakier than those found on the campaign trail as we have been reminded of in recent years. There are the sword-eaters, El Hoppo The Living Frog Boy, Atasha the Gorilla Girl, countless magicians, and, of course, those two-headed birth certificaters.
Birth certificaters, you ask? Is that even a word?
Technically, no. But it should be.
Birth certificaters are like conspiracy theorists because they don't let facts dictate reason. They're the uber freakish naysayers who enjoy believing candidates (think the King of Freak Donald Trump) aren't natural born citizens and therefore aren't eligible to hold office.
They're the ones who show the rest of the world that America has its fair share of dumb-dumbs.
If you're offended, good. And put down that pen. They'll be plenty of time to submit your grumbles when election season creeps a little closer.
For now, I just don't care. I don't care that Ted Cruz renounced his Canadian citizenship. I don't care that it was done just hours after he made his birth certificate public. I don't care about his recent recitation of Dr. Seuss. And I really don't care about those whispers of a potential run for the Big House.
I'll care in due time, of course. Like maybe next year, when the political frenzy wraps its arthritic fingers around our proverbial necks and threatens to choke the joy straight out of us. When the simple things like trolling Facebook or watching TV are destroyed by those who want to shove their opinions down our skinny necks. When we've simply run out of time to ignore the inevitable.
But for now I refuse to think of such unpleasantness or focus my attention on anything other than pumpkins, crisp mornings and scarves. Especially scarves.
Joking aside, campaigns are an emotional whipping - especially for those forced to sit on the bleachers and watch.
They are nothing more than salted slugfests that fight it out until, one by one, the candidates shrivel up and disappear. Then, voila, only two men are left standing and things really get ugly.
But until then, the public (that's you and me) is subjected to the often embarrassing antics of hopeful candidates jockeying for position months too soon. Think green eggs and ham.
They do dumb things, say dumb things and leave us silently praying they will put on a clown suit and go play in the street.
Candidates certainly have a right to persist in their own fantasies, but the public should be spared being witness to it this early.
Seriously people, show some mercy.
I don't want to be so crabby this soon. It's pumpkin season, after all.
Sara Vanden Berge is the managing editor of the Empire-Tribune. She can be reached at 968-2379 ext. 240. Follow her on Twitter @ETEditor.